How to Become the Worst Boss Ever

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As most of us have had bad bosses, it follows that we have also had the “worst boss ever”, i.e. the boss from down below.  Aspiring bad bosses continue reading for how-to suggestions.

The main thing to remember is that you are the boss.  No one, and I mean no one has anything on you.  As a matter of fact, you are the one who must get everything on everyone in order to achieve and maintain control of everything.

The first item on the agenda is to fire many of the employees, retaining only those who really suck up to you- I mean, brown-nosing like crazy.  Do some background sleuthing to assure that those who you retain are very much in debt and dependent on their job for survival.  Single parents or those who are the sole breadwinners of their families are obvious candidates for retention.  Once they see that you mean business, they will become loyal toadies.

One way to ensure that the desired level of servitude is maintained is to encourage the remaining employees to report on one another.  This tactic has worked well throughout history for the great dictators of the world, and it stands to reason that it will work for you.  Paranoia keeps people on their toes, and they will tend to try to outdo each other’s performance in the workplace.  This will prevent a “you against them” environment and will promote a “them-against-each-other” one instead which will free up your time and effort.



To enhance the feeling of paranoia and take your control to the next level, install security cameras in the break room and in the restrooms.  Drop a microphone down over the center of each table in the break room and drop one down directly over the water cooler as well.  There should be nowhere to hide- nowhere to congregate for a good old jaw wag.

Let them know that you review all copies made on the printer and all faxes sent out so that no one will even think of doing any of their personal business while at work.   Let them know that their phone calls and texts are also monitored at work (whether or not you actually manage to figure out how to do this is not very relevant) so that they will not say or text anything questionable.  Loyalty to you and to their workplace must be strictly maintained.

Keep your business working

If you own the business, fewer employees means less overhead expenditure, and therefore more money remaining in your pocket.  If the aforementioned practices are put into place, the remaining employees will gladly put in overtime even without expecting compensation.  You will be able to enjoy more time off.  Be sure to pop in during the time you are supposedly on vacation to keep them off-kilter, never able to relax.  They should always feel your presence even during your absence.  With all the cameras and microphones installed, inform them that you will be watching them from your deck chair while on your cruise.  (Think longer-than-average cruises in a deluxe cabin with all the perks offered: massages, facials, manis/pedis, etc. while your business practically runs itself due to the careful plans you have implemented.)  You won’t have to actually do the monitoring.  Like trained seals, they will keep your business working like clockwork the entire time you are gone.

Follow these guidelines and you will begin to enjoy life a lot more than you ever thought possible.  What are you waiting for?

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